These Hands

These hands belonged 

to the Mother of 6 children

These hands changed

hundreds (seemed like thousands)

of diapers

These hands fed, dressed

and disciplined 

These hands crafted

knitting, crocheting and painting

These hands cooked 

thousands (seemed like millions)

of meals

These hands clapped

and cheered her 

children and grandchildren

These hands wiped

bottoms and tears

away

These hands provided

first aid and rubbed 

the backs of sick children

These hands prayed

and taught others to pray

These hands held

the hands of those she loved

These hands started 

life as baby hands

These hands ended 

life as a Mom 

and a wife

and a Grandma

These hands move no more

These hands lie still

in the grave

These hands hold others

no more

These hands and the woman

they belonged to 

are held

in my heart

Relationships are Challenging with BPD

I have a problem.  I struggle in relationships.  I have BPD-Borderline Personality Disorder (prior to treatment (DBT), I met 8 of the criteria for diagnosis) mingled with depression and anxiety.  I was also given a diagnosis of borderline Asperger's several years ago. That means I have autistic tendencies to go along with the BPD. Makes life interesting and challenging, for me and for the people with whom I share my life.

I am a married woman.  We have been married for over 25 years and have 2 daughters.  Numerous times throughout our marriage, I often wondered if we would make it to our 25th anniversary.  One of the manifestations in BPD is black/white or all or nothing thinking.  Can you imagine what a relationship is like when one side has difficulty seeing the gray area or struggles with compromise?  A lot of arguments arise from this (I don't take all the blame for our marital spats-we are two different people with different opinions and approaches).  He is still with me because I am worth it.  Arguments and my previously (and rarely occurring now) inadequate control of emotions have not made him run.  In this relationship and the relationships I have with my daughters, I feel loved.

Friendships are the relationships I struggle with the most.  I often feel as if  I am on the outside looking in when in a group setting.  I have spent most of my life observing others' social behaviors, mimicking sometimes successfully, sometimes not.  Occasionally, what I have rehearsed in my head comes out all jumbled and nothing as I imagined it.  I blurt out thoughts that make no sense because I forget the beginning, the middle or the end.  The receiver gets one part of a complete thought. Instead of clarifying, I awkwardly end the encounter or go silent and walk away.  I experience feelings of shame because I messed up again. Frequently, I hesitate to share my opinions or thoughts in a group. However, there are circumstances when I feel I completely convey my thoughts and have a successful encounter.  Thanks to DBT, I am seeing an increase in success.

Two other manifestation that often go hand in hand are having a "favorite" person and feelings of abandonment. The person with BPD tends to rely on their favorite person for emotional support, ruminates about that person and in general, wants to be around that person all the time.  It can become obsessive.  When I look back on my life (all the way to 2nd grade), I believe I have had several favorite persons.  Most were able to give me the attention and support I sought, with the relationships ending satisfactorily on my side.  I was able to move on in my life.  I never know when I will "get" a favorite person, but now am able to recognize when it happens, although not immediately.  The intensity is tempered, until the feeling of abandonment rears its ugly head.  I have to turn to the skills learned in DBT.  If I am not in tune with my emotions and thoughts, I forget my skills and let them control my behaviors. Without realizing it is happening, I am back to doing everything I can to keep the relationship going, to stop the person from abandoning me.  It is not intentional.  People with BPD are frequently accused of being manipulative.  Manipulation is a conscious act.  BPD sufferers are unaware their behavior is thought to be manipulative. We have to learn to be mindful of thoughts and actions in order to recognize what is considered manipulative behaviors. Often, the damage has been done and the relationship dies an unhappy death, with the favorite person spurning the BPD sufferer, leaving her/him feeling hurt, shame and guilt. Typically, it is impossible to reestablish a relationship in this case. The relationship has been shattered, much like Humpty Dumpty.  It cannot be put back together again.

Feelings of abandonment and subsequent actions to prevent the perceived abandonment are triggered by (perceived) delayed responses to communications, the perception that the BPD sufferer is being ignored or avoided, or feeling unsupported or unprotected (there may be other triggers not listed). The BPD sufferer finds it hard to recognize facts-the person usually has a reason for their action or inaction. Maybe the text or e-mail hasn't gone through or their job or family has their attention. I have had personal experience with true abandonment in my past.  I become either needy or will isolate when experiencing perceived abandonment.  I suffer feelings of inadequacy, guilt and shame (yes, suffer. This is a painful ordeal).  I might take harmful (to myself) actions or have harmful thoughts.  DBT has helped me cope with the emotions and thoughts to prevent unhealthy incidents.

Strong relationships fulfill us, balance us, teach us and can keep us physically,  mentally and emotionally healthy.  Relationships may be the hardest part of life we have to deal with. Relationships require work from all parties to maintain them. We enter into relationships coming from different places; how we were raised, our perceptions, education, experiences and our mental health (neuro-typical or not) affect our behavior in relationships.  It may be a battle. Nevertheless, I want to have strong, healthy relationships without fear of abandonment.  I hope for compassion and acceptance for who I am.

Memories

I frequently have Pandora going in the background when I am working at home.  I have a long list of "stations" and generally have it on shuffle.  Today, it seems most of the songs are from the 80's.  Earlier, The Psychedelic Furs, "Love My Way" was playing.  Maybe because they wrote/performed "Pretty in Pink," it brought to mind memories of high school.  And how John Hughes always seemed to nail it with his movies.  Granted, some of the situations were a little out there (at least in my experience), but the basic themes/plots were pretty much spot on.  I don't believe much has changed, either, for today's teens or any of those in between or those before me.  I would be very much surprised if any one person can say their life didn't in some way mirror Duckie's or Andie Walsh's or Sam Baker's or John Bender's or Andrew Clark's or Watts' or...  There were the painful crushes, the heartbreaking choices, the needless arguments, the wild parties (really not that wild), the laughing 'til near bursting at the silly antics of that one friend, hanging out at someone's house on a Friday or Saturday night and behind it all, the music.  Some friendships fade, some move into deeper waters (such as marriage), some are kept up sporadically from afar.  But, no matter what, the music will always be there.  It's like a time machine, taking one back to years that seem so recently passed, yet are decades gone.

I hope some of you reading this are the friends I was lucky enough to spend so many of my high school lunch hours and weekends alongside.   Raise a glass to John Hughes!!

My Favorite Time of the Year-Winter!

If you have read my blog previously, you will note the title of this post is laced with sarcasm.  If not, read  my letter to Winter and more of my thoughts regarding this wonderful season.

So, I shoveled snow for the second time this winter.  A little bit more than we had the day before Thanksgiving and in mid-December.  Or maybe it just seemed like it.  Because I was out there shoveling the driveway in the dark after a long day.

Do I look happy?

If we have another winter as we did last year, I just don't know what I am going to do.  Maybe stage a sit-in kind of protest.  Wrapped in my quilt.  In front of the fireplace.  Drinking hot toddies.

Here are a couple of pictures of last year's piles. 












I have a confession.  I finally gave in and took advantage of the pile of snow at the end of the driveway.  Our yard slopes down from front to back.  Click here.  I'm a big kid.  And it was right in the middle of the Winter Olympics. 

Sometimes, your better off playing by the rules.  And winter rules when it arrives.  That's why there is a move to a warm climate in my future. 

Stay warm.  Whatever way you can.  Maybe a fire and a hot toddy?

Wisps of Wisdom from Walker

My own PSA, so you shant suffer as I am wont to do.  These are not listed in any particular order.  Each makes an appearance as it pops into my addled brain.

• When weeding as the day wanes, keep in mind, some of those weeds may be thorny.
• When weeding as the day wanes and the light fades, be wary of spider webs, especially the ones in between the shrubs.  You might want to do a quick sweep so you don't bend down and put your face right into a web.
• When walking in the woods at night and you go without a flashlight because you are sure you know where all the ankle turning rocks and depressions are on the trail, doesn't mean you really do.
• When ordering your coffee extra hot, it really is.
• When you go to sit on the black metal bench that is in full sun, it too, is extra hot.
• When reaching into a hot oven, make sure you use an oven mitt.
• When one is above average height, look out for low-hanging branches.
• When enjoying an evening around a campfire, it doesn't matter where you sit; the smoke will always get in your eyes.
• When switching the portable music player (i.e., ipod, mp3, etc.) from speakers to earbuds, unless you want to go deaf, you might want to check the volume before you put the earbuds in your ears.

Thank you and you're welcome.

The Many Deaths of the Firefly Brothers by Thomas Mullen

I don't remember how I came across this book.  Most likely just browsing in the library for something that looked good.  This was published in 2010, so it wasn't my usual grab a book off of the new bookshelf.  It was a risk grabbing this one.  It's a paperback, so no book flap with a  synopsis and no synopsis on the back cover.  Just reviews.  A quick scan of the first couple of pages grabbed enough of my attention to check it out.


Set in the middle years of The Great Depression, The Many Deaths... gives us a taste of what it might have been like for the notorious bank robbers of the era.  The Firefly Brothers rank right up there with the likes of Dillinger, Bonnie and Clyde, the Barker Gang, "Pretty Boy" Floyd and "Baby Face" Nelson.  In The Many Deaths... the brothers become Public Enemy Number One following the death of Dillinger.  For 2 weeks the Bureau of Investigation (precursor to today's FBI) focus their attention on the Firefly Brothers.  Initially, the Bureau believed the men to be dead, as they were shot and killed in the opening pages of the book.  This was their first death.  Rumors of their resurrection flew around the country.  Following their death, they were spotted multiple times a day in various cities around the Midwest and sometimes in places where only teletransportation would have been the only means for them to have appeared.  The Bureau discounts these rumors and once the Bureau decides the brothers are still alive, local and state police are believed to be at fault.  Perhaps it wasn't really the Firefly Brothers who were shot and killed as was initially believed.  Perhaps it was two other men, misidentified.  What ensues is a journey of constant movement by the brothers as they try to stay one step ahead of law enforcement and gain freedom from the life of a fugitive. 


We get glimpses into their lives outside of infamy, as sons, brothers, lover and husband through flashbacks and current (setting) action.  The reader is given insight into how the brothers, Jason and Whit Fireson, came to be the Firefly Brothers and Public Enemy Number One.  The author provides an impression of life for the common members of the era as well as for the more infamous members of society.  The author, Thomas Mullen, researched the era and the notorious characters of that time.  He provides resources at the end of the book.


The four main characters are portrayed in such a way as to evoke sympathy, no matter what side of the law they occupy.  Mullen gives them depth and dimension.  We come to understand what drives them to do what they do.  Other characters are merely sketches compared to the 4, but are depicted enough to lend significant meaning to their role in the lives of the brothers and the "good" guy.


Mullen has 3 books in his repertoire.  His first, The Last Town on Earth, received excellent reviews and was one of the top 10 debuts of the year when published in 2006.  His most recent tome, The Revisionists (2011), has also received rave reviews.  The premise in each of his 3 novels is quite different from story to story, but each has the thread of politics and history (history in quotes for Revisionists) coursing through and a bit of sci-fi in the 2 latter novels.  I look forward to reading The Last Town on Earth  and The Revisionists as I really enjoyed The Many Deaths of the Firefly Brothers.

I Still Hate You, Winter

I don't think my Trumpet Vine Trellises will ever be the same!

This is a Dogwood Tree.  Looks more like a Weeping Cherry.

Have you ever heard this story?
A man was walking down the street one day.  The wind bet the sun that he could force the man to take off his coat and the sun could not.  The sun agreed to the bet.  The wind began blowing, straight into the man.  The man put his hands in his pockets and pulled his coat a bit tighter around himself.  The wind blew harder, thinking he would blow that coat right off the man.  The man buttoned his coat tightly, all the way up to the neck and shoved his hands deep into his pockets, hugging his secured coat as close to his body as he could.  The wind blew even harder, but to no avail.  The man was not taking off his coat.  Then it was the sun's turn.  The sun shone.  The man unbuttoned his coat.  The sun shone even more brilliantly and the man took off his coat, slinging it over his shoulder.  He even began whistling a tune as he walked.  The sun turned to the wind.  "See.  All it takes a little sunshine to warm a man from the inside out." 

I might be a little off on the ending of the story, but you get the point.  As beautiful a spectacle the snow and ice can be, it does not win me over to winter.  The weight bears down on the branches of the trees and the shrubs and everything else.  It will all sparkle later if the sun comes out, making the woods look like a crystal cathedral.  The trees, however, can only stand so much.  The ground is littered with smaller branches and I sit here listening to the bigger branches falling to the floor of the woods through the icy arms of the trees.  The sound is different this time than when a branch falls in any other season.  The sound can even be musical.  However, it still does not change my attitude.  Our snow adventure this winter season began early in December and has not stopped.  Looks like February is going to be a loooong month.  Oh well.  Might as well make the most of it.  I do not have to go anywhere today and there is plenty of wood for the fireplace.  Maybe I'll roast a weeny.