Relationships are Challenging with BPD

I have a problem.  I struggle in relationships.  I have BPD-Borderline Personality Disorder (prior to treatment (DBT), I met 8 of the criteria for diagnosis) mingled with depression and anxiety.  I was also given a diagnosis of borderline Asperger's several years ago. That means I have autistic tendencies to go along with the BPD. Makes life interesting and challenging, for me and for the people with whom I share my life.

I am a married woman.  We have been married for over 25 years and have 2 daughters.  Numerous times throughout our marriage, I often wondered if we would make it to our 25th anniversary.  One of the manifestations in BPD is black/white or all or nothing thinking.  Can you imagine what a relationship is like when one side has difficulty seeing the gray area or struggles with compromise?  A lot of arguments arise from this (I don't take all the blame for our marital spats-we are two different people with different opinions and approaches).  He is still with me because I am worth it.  Arguments and my previously (and rarely occurring now) inadequate control of emotions have not made him run.  In this relationship and the relationships I have with my daughters, I feel loved.

Friendships are the relationships I struggle with the most.  I often feel as if  I am on the outside looking in when in a group setting.  I have spent most of my life observing others' social behaviors, mimicking sometimes successfully, sometimes not.  Occasionally, what I have rehearsed in my head comes out all jumbled and nothing as I imagined it.  I blurt out thoughts that make no sense because I forget the beginning, the middle or the end.  The receiver gets one part of a complete thought. Instead of clarifying, I awkwardly end the encounter or go silent and walk away.  I experience feelings of shame because I messed up again. Frequently, I hesitate to share my opinions or thoughts in a group. However, there are circumstances when I feel I completely convey my thoughts and have a successful encounter.  Thanks to DBT, I am seeing an increase in success.

Two other manifestation that often go hand in hand are having a "favorite" person and feelings of abandonment. The person with BPD tends to rely on their favorite person for emotional support, ruminates about that person and in general, wants to be around that person all the time.  It can become obsessive.  When I look back on my life (all the way to 2nd grade), I believe I have had several favorite persons.  Most were able to give me the attention and support I sought, with the relationships ending satisfactorily on my side.  I was able to move on in my life.  I never know when I will "get" a favorite person, but now am able to recognize when it happens, although not immediately.  The intensity is tempered, until the feeling of abandonment rears its ugly head.  I have to turn to the skills learned in DBT.  If I am not in tune with my emotions and thoughts, I forget my skills and let them control my behaviors. Without realizing it is happening, I am back to doing everything I can to keep the relationship going, to stop the person from abandoning me.  It is not intentional.  People with BPD are frequently accused of being manipulative.  Manipulation is a conscious act.  BPD sufferers are unaware their behavior is thought to be manipulative. We have to learn to be mindful of thoughts and actions in order to recognize what is considered manipulative behaviors. Often, the damage has been done and the relationship dies an unhappy death, with the favorite person spurning the BPD sufferer, leaving her/him feeling hurt, shame and guilt. Typically, it is impossible to reestablish a relationship in this case. The relationship has been shattered, much like Humpty Dumpty.  It cannot be put back together again.

Feelings of abandonment and subsequent actions to prevent the perceived abandonment are triggered by (perceived) delayed responses to communications, the perception that the BPD sufferer is being ignored or avoided, or feeling unsupported or unprotected (there may be other triggers not listed). The BPD sufferer finds it hard to recognize facts-the person usually has a reason for their action or inaction. Maybe the text or e-mail hasn't gone through or their job or family has their attention. I have had personal experience with true abandonment in my past.  I become either needy or will isolate when experiencing perceived abandonment.  I suffer feelings of inadequacy, guilt and shame (yes, suffer. This is a painful ordeal).  I might take harmful (to myself) actions or have harmful thoughts.  DBT has helped me cope with the emotions and thoughts to prevent unhealthy incidents.

Strong relationships fulfill us, balance us, teach us and can keep us physically,  mentally and emotionally healthy.  Relationships may be the hardest part of life we have to deal with. Relationships require work from all parties to maintain them. We enter into relationships coming from different places; how we were raised, our perceptions, education, experiences and our mental health (neuro-typical or not) affect our behavior in relationships.  It may be a battle. Nevertheless, I want to have strong, healthy relationships without fear of abandonment.  I hope for compassion and acceptance for who I am.